Senior spills the beans

So Keith Senior has lifted the lid on England's dreadful World Cup performances. The Leeds and Saints players were divided. How ? I wonder.
The bottom line is that the buck stops with Tony Smith. With dozens of experts in his backroom team this should not have been a problem.

When the cribbage teams of the 'Queen's Head' and 'Th'owd Daft Lad' had to merge in division 8 of the Transpennine open age cribbage league there was hell to pay. The Queens played a highly statistical form of scientific cribbage. The coach insisted on cold showers before each hand and a strict no alcohol rule for four months before a game. Whereas the Daft Lad prefered a more open expressive form of cribbage. They had a few beers and chilled more. The new coach, Martin Clunes (no relation) and assistant coach Nelson Mandela (no relation)had to act fast. They devised a 3 point plan:

1. A motivational talk by Lembit Opik

2. A second motivational talk by Lembit Opik - with Power point

3. Players from the opposing camps had to walk around holding hands.


The results were breathtaking. They won 22 straight games and Cribbage Today wrote:

" For uncompromising, in your face, hard nosed cribbage you must see the merged team. This is on the edge, winner takes all, high risk cribbage that I thought I would never see. These guys take no prisoners and live to win."

Surely in his detailed research Tony Smith has seen these results? I heard that he wanted 'We are the Cheeky Girls' as the team song so assumed Lembit would be on the staff. Alas no. Let's face it. Nobby Noble would not have made such an error.

Eddie Hemmings is a cult

My good friend, Mr Protheroe was once a big cheese in the Lancashire pickle industry. Now he earns big bucks as a Keith Chegwin look - a - like. He works for a leading 'doubles' agency and yesterday he told me something very interesting. The top 5 requests for look a likes are:

1. Barak Obama


2. Angelina Jolie


3. Paris Hilton


4. Eddie Hemmings


5. Christian Bale

Apparently there are weekly "Eddie" parties where people pay homage to the silky skills of Britain's leading sport broadcaster. They will watch old Sky games - not the least bit interested in the actual game - and cheer at Eddie's familiar phrases. The favourite being the repeating of a player's name as he attempts to score. As he scores the second half of the name is 'shouted' with a higher vocal inflection.....Sinfield..SinFIELD! At the fancy parties they hire short 'baldies' as waiters. All are called 'Stevo' and it is customary to slap them on the head (Benny Hill style) for no apparent reason.

I once bumped into Eddie as he left Lidl. He was carrying 48 cans of cider and a small scotch egg. I told him I thought he was a great entertainer. He put down his purchases and started to do an impromptu charleston while holding out a hand for small change. I gave him 50p and he seemed genuinely pleased.

On reflection I suspect it was not the Eddie Hemmings.