John Kear's fingers and hips

At the back end of last season I found myself fixating on John Kear's fingers. One game was held up as Steve Ganson needed time to finish a pie. I could see JK's fingers undulating and rapping non stop. A couple of weeks later Trinity were on Sky and there were several close ups on Kear's fingers. We played these back a few times. Mother was convinced that that he was fingering a piece by Rachmaninov. However Mrs McGillycuddy said it was morse code and it was repeating....."My hip is giving me gip".

We now know that Mrs McGillycuddy was correct.

Recently JK has had a hip operation. My 'spies' tell me this is because he is being lined up for Strictly Come Dancing. They like RL people on this type of programme with Offiah and Hanley already dancing and skating. Mr Pew, my chaperone, was convinced that next we would see Garry Schofield on a reality show like Love island. However John Kear seems to be the man.
The thought of seeing JK and Kristina Rihanoff doing a Tango is mouth watering. At Chez Spoonfinger we would be cramped around our 14" portable TV hours before the programme even started. There would be pots full of hot Yorkshire tea and cheesy scones aplenty. Mother would probably knock up some 'Year of the Kear' t shirts. Mr Pew, my chaperone, would start one of his legendary marketing campaigns encouraging people to vote for JK. I can see the placard now:

"Vote for John Kear. He is a nice chap and he probably needs the money!"

What a coup it would be for rugby league in wakefield if JK could win.

Is there nothing that man cannot do? As he is an innovator in the game it would not be long before Anton du Beke is working with Ricky Bibey on his footwork. Marvellous.

Eddie Hemmings is a cult

My good friend, Mr Protheroe was once a big cheese in the Lancashire pickle industry. Now he earns big bucks as a Keith Chegwin look - a - like. He works for a leading 'doubles' agency and yesterday he told me something very interesting. The top 5 requests for look a likes are:

1. Barak Obama


2. Angelina Jolie


3. Paris Hilton


4. Eddie Hemmings


5. Christian Bale

Apparently there are weekly "Eddie" parties where people pay homage to the silky skills of Britain's leading sport broadcaster. They will watch old Sky games - not the least bit interested in the actual game - and cheer at Eddie's familiar phrases. The favourite being the repeating of a player's name as he attempts to score. As he scores the second half of the name is 'shouted' with a higher vocal inflection.....Sinfield..SinFIELD! At the fancy parties they hire short 'baldies' as waiters. All are called 'Stevo' and it is customary to slap them on the head (Benny Hill style) for no apparent reason.

I once bumped into Eddie as he left Lidl. He was carrying 48 cans of cider and a small scotch egg. I told him I thought he was a great entertainer. He put down his purchases and started to do an impromptu charleston while holding out a hand for small change. I gave him 50p and he seemed genuinely pleased.

On reflection I suspect it was not the Eddie Hemmings.

Captain my Captain

Yesterday I was having a heated game of kerplunk! with my chaperone, Mr Pew. He was thrashing me. At the half time break we had Yorkshire tea and some of mother's spiced eccles cakes.

By means of lateral thinking we went from Eccles to Salford to the flapdoodle that the City Reds had experienced in Florida! What had those boys been up to?

Was it high jinks and giddy tomfoolery? Or was a mark over stepped? It would appear to be the later. While I do not like to speculate perhaps a couple of the players had a strong shandy or maybe Paul White or Robbie paul put a fake dog poo on Bomber McRae's pillow - being an australian he may have thought it was an american chocolate mint! The possibilities are endless.

My concern is that the response of the Salford club was misguided. Perhaps corporal punishment in the privacy of the Willows would have been a better option.

At school I was regularly thrashed. On one occassion I used the wrong spoon during high tea. I was beaten unconscious. After 2 weeks in intensive care I returned to school and never made the same mistake again. Surely Steve Simms should have given Alker a sound spanking and drawn a line under it rather than strip him of the captaincy.Public humiliation is surely not the answer.

I suspect the Reds will now struggle this year - 'Spare the rod, ruin the club'.