Celebrities in The Greatest Game

The Giants win over the Dragons came as a surprise in Chez Spoonfinger. To have done so without close season 'signing' Todd Carty was even more impressive. Having seen Todd skating around so elegantly on TV and remembering his moving performances on Grange Hill I think he would have brought something special to Superleague.

However it is possible to go too far with these celebrity signings. Would Leeds have been improved by playing Clint Eastwood? And as for Bradford with Dicky Bird? It was never a starter - though he would probably have been more effective than Ben Jeffries at 6.

Three cheers for Nobby Noble's big idea: bringing in big nobs from the Union game. To say this amidst rumours that Union coach Eddie Jones may take over at Wigan was very brave.

Hands off Stevo!

Each season many rugby fans become very abusive re Eddie Hemmings' side kick Mike 'Stevo' Stephenson. I think people underestimate the hard work and skill it takes to be the side kick of Britain's best sport commentator.


I have been asked if my mole could find out what Stevo does for Sky. Why people should think that a small dark facial spot (melanocytic nevus) would have such information is beyond me. Maybe it is a dig at the preponderance of moles that I have. Indeed if you 'join the moles' you end up with a passable drawing of Paul Cullen.


I was sent a brief description that purports to be Stevo's matchday responsibilities. they include:


1. Rise 5am and iron EH clothing including socks and 'lucky Y fronts'


2. Prepare breakfast for EH - inc kippers and Earl Grey tea


3. Give EH an Ayurvedic massage


4. Help EH to complete the Times crossword - provide sharp pencils


5. Stock up with crisps / scotch eggs / sherbert fountains for the game


6. Make EH laugh during game by saying silly things


7. Run EH's post match bath add Jo Malone nutmeg and ginger bath oil


8. While bathing provide EH with Perrier Jouet's Belle Epoque champagne


9. Make sure a bag of pork scratchings is available for 'bath snacks'


All this and more for the National minimum wage! Give the guy a break!!

Spoony's crystal ball

Many of the rugby big nobs have made their predictions for the 09 season. I have received no fewer than 287 requests for my tips in the last week. Though admittedly 286 came from Mrs McGillyCuddy.

I cannot look beyond the Rhinos for trophy winners. This is in part due to their exciting squad and in part due to Bluey. I once inadvertently cracked a walnut on the top of his head. He could have got quite shirty but responded like a gentleman. This contrasted with the response I got when I used the 'builder's crack' of a player to open a bottle of stout. He got a tad vexed and tried to thump me!

The man of steel will be that scamp Sean Long. Mother cannot wait to see his humourous hairstyles this year. I do hope Sean uses a good quality hair conditioner.

Unknown Pleasures

Mr Pew, my chaperone, for many years had a special friend. He lived with his friend, Denis, in a small flat which they shared with various hamsters - most notably one called Mr Joshua.

Denis died not long ago. However a few years ago the Pewster and Denis went to a small Jazz club in Hunslet. They were convinced that they saw Tough forward 2 Bobs Roberts playing the spoons AND Danny Brough giving a poetry recital. I once heard him recite "This be the Verse" by Philip Larkin. It was deeply moving.

It got me thinking about the unknown talents of players of the Greatest Game. I have been told that Sean Long is brilliant at Crocodile Dentist. That Dean Widders is unbeatable at Twister and Tony Smith can do a superb Freddy 'Parrot - Face' Davies impression. I was told that Richard Lewis and Nigel Wood do an uncanny 'Laurel and Hardy' routine at parties. I personally do not believe it.

Senior spills the beans

So Keith Senior has lifted the lid on England's dreadful World Cup performances. The Leeds and Saints players were divided. How ? I wonder.
The bottom line is that the buck stops with Tony Smith. With dozens of experts in his backroom team this should not have been a problem.

When the cribbage teams of the 'Queen's Head' and 'Th'owd Daft Lad' had to merge in division 8 of the Transpennine open age cribbage league there was hell to pay. The Queens played a highly statistical form of scientific cribbage. The coach insisted on cold showers before each hand and a strict no alcohol rule for four months before a game. Whereas the Daft Lad prefered a more open expressive form of cribbage. They had a few beers and chilled more. The new coach, Martin Clunes (no relation) and assistant coach Nelson Mandela (no relation)had to act fast. They devised a 3 point plan:

1. A motivational talk by Lembit Opik

2. A second motivational talk by Lembit Opik - with Power point

3. Players from the opposing camps had to walk around holding hands.


The results were breathtaking. They won 22 straight games and Cribbage Today wrote:

" For uncompromising, in your face, hard nosed cribbage you must see the merged team. This is on the edge, winner takes all, high risk cribbage that I thought I would never see. These guys take no prisoners and live to win."

Surely in his detailed research Tony Smith has seen these results? I heard that he wanted 'We are the Cheeky Girls' as the team song so assumed Lembit would be on the staff. Alas no. Let's face it. Nobby Noble would not have made such an error.